The thing with carrots and sticks is that they work … until they don’t.
And they really only work for those who can see that if they bite the carrot or avoid the stick there’s something in it for them. At a fundamental level, that ‘something’ is a feeling of being safe.
+ If I’m confident that I’ve got the skills to do what’s asked of me, there’s safety in chasing the carrot.
+ If the carrot means nothing to me or I don’t have the confidence to chase it, and feeling the stick’s whack is more scary than doing enough to avoid it, I’ll do what’s asked of me (but not much more, and often with lots of nagging required).
+ If the carrot means nothing to me and feeling the stick’s whack is less scary than having to confront or be confronted by something else, then I’ll take the stick.
Kids who fall into the first category tend to get labels like motivated and self-managing. They’re seen as good learners.
Kids in the second category tend to get labels like unmotivated and dependent. Cajoling them along, and being firm with deadlines and expectations, generally works. All this takes up lots of our time.
Kids in the last category tend to get labels like disengaged, defiant, and lacking resilience. But these kids are hurting inside. For them, the pain we can administer with our punishment is less than the pain they feel inside and are afraid would surface if they played our game of carrots and sticks.
How many kids have you come across in this last category?
Today’s message from Pluto
“Treats are nice, but pats are better. Woof!!!”
Something to try that might make a difference
The trouble with a carrots and sticks approach is that the adult does it to the child, reinforcing the feeling of vulnerability and powerlessness these hurt children are all too familiar with. So
Try to identify and respond to the emotion that is driving their behaviour.
Defiance, aggression, avoidance, apathy, etc … these are surface manifestations of deeper feelings. Attacking the surface with sticks only makes it stronger.
Compassion is needed when responding to emotions. This may take time. I am aware you may not have as much as you need. But identifying the emotion gives you a way to talk about the help and support required.